Hi there, I’m Andrew and I’m a newly graduated designer-developer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You’re reading Finding momentum, my log of my personal thoughts, creative writing, and photography.

Other places you’ll find me:

• The Sweet Spot: my technical blog about Web development, design and anything shiny.
• LinkedIn: andrewhao
• Twitter: @andrewhao
• Last.fm: gsgnine
• Flickr: andrewhao
• Delicious: gsgnine

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On friendship and figuring each other out

What Sarah’s helping me realize is that any romantic relationship must be, at its foundation, a great friendship. At the beginning we both assumed we were fantastic friends, which was true in the sense that we’d known each other for a long time and had been involved in similar activities and shared similar worldviews and had mutual friends and similar theologies and had a blast hanging out together. However, I underestimated how much of a “soul-connection” and a chemistry there was to build.

How would you describe chemistry? It’s like “clicking” the way you would with your best friend. A friend is someone who knows you, who knows when you’re lying, when you’re putting on airs or when you’re wearing a mask. A friend is someone who you love spending time with, whether it’s productive or wasteful. A friend is someone who shows you their humanity and gives you an authentic look at their ugly sides and fears and insecurities. A friend is someone you can be yourself around and know you’re accepted for who you are.

Quite frankly, we’ve had our share of struggles figuring each other out, and that’s made us realize that we’ve got a long ways to go as a friend and as romantic interests. I think we both were frustrated by a lot of Totally Normal friction points. You know, the little stuff that results in conversations which leave neither of us feeling heard or understood. I can be overly rational and logic-driven; she can be overly feelings-centric and impulsive at times. I had trouble adapting to her playful, button-pushing personality and she often felt stifled by my straightlaced by-the-rules philosophy. We come from families with different cultures and generational differences. The list goes on.

We both agree we’ve got a lot to learn about each other, and it’s been hard accepting that fact in light of high expectations. There is that expectation that we’re the closest of friends, yet we’ve had tons of times where she feels like I don’t get her. We’ve been acknowledging that we’ve really got to give each other a lot of grace and forgiveness in the times when we feel unheard, and we need to be patient. It’s been tough, but we know it’s worth it.

I’m learning how to be a good friend

I’ve begun to realize how important it is to be a good friend. As I’ve mentioned previously, I’m starting to realize how my self-sufficiency negatively impact my friendships and relationship with Sarah. There’s a distance that I’ve maintained with other people, a distance that I easily maintained whenever I got involved with too many activities and gave lame excuses of “I’m too busy” to hang out. Maybe I’ve got a deep fear of intimacy (maybe, but I don’t think it’s totally true). Maybe I’m too task-oriented or goals-driven, so much that I have to get involved with 999 different things at the expense of my friendships.

I’d like to change. I’d like to be that friend who knows another at a heart level, who can tell when a friend’s lying or hurting without any words. I’d like to kick it with a buddy simply for the sake of kicking it with him, no matter what I’m missing out on. I’d like to be a heck of a lot more transparent with people about my hopes and my fears.

The horrifying depths of emotional intimacy!

I know it means that I really fully open up to Sarah and tell her about my thoughts and insecurities and dreams. It means telling her always what’s really on my mind. There’s this emotional vulnerability and interdependency that I’ve never revealed to anybody (except God and my journal) will open up gradually (and when appropriate), with time, to friends and to Sarah.

It’s scary, but I know once again it’s worth it. It’s like I’m slowly able to take a step back and see who I am, warts and all.

But it’s actually tons of fun

Seriously. Dating is great. It’s loads of fun. I think Sarah’s playful side brings mine out as well, and we have a blast from simple things like taking walks (just laughing about random things), to trying out new places to eat (and since our standards are so low, everything’s delicious), to playing sports (it’s my dream to beat her once in bowling. And tennis). I feel totally at home with her.

One thing I totally like about her is how she reminds me of infinite reservoirs of Grace — every time I tend to get down on myself, she reminds me that I’m not too far away from God’s love. And it’s because she’s grounded in it — she depends on it, like air for breathing. Not only that, but I’ve been really blown away by Forgiveness. When we wrong each other, we apologize and forgive. And let me tell you that it is the most amazing feeling to be forgiven by somebody you’ve wronged and it always gives me this sensation that the Father’s forgiveness is far weightier and far more significant than I had imagined.

All this to say, it’s been a humbling nine months. When I first started dating, I only had a rough idea of what it meant to be working things out to this detail with somebody else. I knew that dating would be awesome and it would be rough. But it wasn’t till I actually got up close and wrangled with these issues did I realize how much junk there was to work out in me. Sarah and I have a ways to go, and this process of patiently working things out between us has been tiring, but it has been good.

I’m thankful for this girl.

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Transitioning from self-sufficiency to dependency

From very early on in my life, I’ve learned to be pretty self-sufficient. That means that I’d always be doing things on my own, doing things on my own initiative, making things happen for myself, you get the gist of it. It’d be totally me centered: I’m going to do this, and I’ll follow it up with that. I’ll make my own decisions, and you can ask me about how it was afterwards.

Sarah and I have had our moments where I’d show up and tell her “Hey, I’m going to be doing this on Saturday” with an implicit assumption she wouldn’t be a part of it. She’d feel hurt that I’d left her out, and I realize now that I had assumed that she just wasn’t interested in them or that I didn’t need her help.

I’m learning to invite her into all parts of my life, from the boring mundane things to the big events. Even if I think I can do these things by myself, I’m starting to learn to ask for help when I feel like I don’t need any. When I show Sarah that I’m dependent on her, it gives her a way to show me that she cares.

Transparency, and how it’s okay to not have it all together

There was a period in our relationship where I felt incredibly insecure about us. I felt like I was losing her, I felt like I was being disrespected or I wasn’t good enough, and there was all this crap I was going through.

I didn’t know how to talk about it though, so I acted the opposite of how I felt. I acted more confidently around her when inside my insecurities spoke louder. I doubled my efforts of pursuing her when really I was scared. I realize now that by acting like everything was peachy, I delegitimized communication that “something was wrong”.

I had somehow constructed this image of a super-boyfriend, who never spoke of trouble but instead slugged through hard times by the force of sheer will and corny jokes. And Sarah could see through all of it — and my inability to articulate how I was really feeling pushed her further away.

After a long, awkward and painful week, we confronted it. By finally admitting to her that things were off, we were free to finally talk about it.

To be continued!

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So I tried it out.

How to live!

• Two stalks bok choy, diced
• 1 carrot, sliced
• 1 potato, diced
• 2 leftover radishes, sliced
• A handful of leftover mushrooms, sliced
• 1 can chicken broth
• Some seasonings. I just Googled this.

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• The scent of redwood bark: This reminds me of being off at various retreat sites in Santa Cruz and the memories of friends
• The scent of the first rain: Doesn’t it just make you happy?
• The scent of eucalyptus leaves: Walk through the IAS buildings (the courtyard between the Campanile and Barrows) and take a whiff. No real memories here; I just really like the scent.
• Crisp night air and the faint whiff of food cooking in somebody’s home: This reminds me of when I was a kid and my family would drive through the neighborhood during the holidays, watching for Christmas light displays.

What are your favorite scents, and what memories are they associated with?

Today at lunch, a couple walked by my table and let me know that I had dropped my wallet. Turns out it had fallen out of my pocket onto the ground. Small gesture, but it meant a lot to me.

I also like:

1. Seeing students talking to homeless people, treating them with dignity.
2. Good sportsmanship: guys calling fouls on themselves in pickup games.
3. Strangers giving blind folks an arm to lead them in the right direction.

I brought the bike I used to ride in the seventh grade — complete with the bike rack on the bike I used to strap my clarinet into. Yeah, it’s that old. The chains are squeaky and the derailleurs are unreliable at best and my brakes are on the verge of not working… but trust me when I say my bike’s ridable

No, I’m not really trying to save the air, I’m more trying to save on gas and parking costs. And it’s always nice getting a workout going wherever I need to go.

A couple of observations from personal experience ever since making the jump:

• It’s a hipster secret: you really do get cooler when you roll up your right pant leg. Too bad it’s so much trouble.
• Riding a bike in auto traffic is a terrifying experience. On your left is certain death from cars wanting to run you over. On your right are rows of cars whose drivers-side door threaten to open into your face at any moment. I will never get frustrated at another slow biker on the road again.
• I love the feeling of high momentum, newly-poured smooth asphalt and an open road.
• The campus no-bike zones have really, really changed my commute patterns.
• I still have to get that bike license from the UCPD.
• Mountain bikes are a GOOD deal heavier than those spiffy road bikes. I’ve had a ton of grief carrying my bike up and down the BART stairwells.
• I can make a solid grocery store run and carry back everything I need so long as I a) strap on a milk crate to my bike rack with LOTS of bungee cords and b) bring my backpack to carry some excess food.
• In the previous event, the bike will become very rear-heavy. Watch how you throw your weight around on the bike — one bad angle at the wrong speed and you will definitely have spilt groceries.
• Some people can look cool on a bike. I just look dorky.

You’ll basically be watching Twitterers react to the debates in real time — pretty amazing, if you ask me. It’s like watching a national conversation unfurl right in front of your eyes. Try it out tonight!

Yesterday, I nearly rear-ended another car as it abruptly braked. I don’t remember slamming on the brakes as hard as i did then, and my car gave everybody the show of making terrible skidding noises and leaving a trail of tire smoke, NASCAR style. Afterwards I cupped my head in my hands and let my heart slow down from a million miles an hour.

On a somewhat related note, I also woke up an hour earlier to start the commute from the Bay Area so I could drive slower and 1) avoid speed traps and 2) try to set a mileage record. I averaged probably a little under 65MPH on Highway 5 — that’s an excruciatingly slow pace, just ask everybody behind me — took about an hour longer to get there than I would have, and drove an incredible 31.8 MPG (up till LA traffic, of course). Not bad for an Accord rated to go 23 MPG highway (that’s a 25% increase in fuel economy)!

It’s been good times with the family. I’m here in SD to see Annie and Esther off to school (both are attending UCSD now) and have a long day at IKEA and with the tool set ahead of me.

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Okay, so it’s morning. I’ve just come back from a run. I’m huuuuungry. Let me give you a glimpse into my morning meal, beginning with the cereal:

1. Open up nearly-empty milk carton. Pour into bowl.
2. Shake in some cereal.
3. Eat.
4. Dang. Milk ran out before the cereal.
5. Pour in milk from pretty-much-empty milk carton.
6. Eat.
7. Dang. Cereal ran out before the milk.
8. Shake in some more cereal.
9. Eat.
10. Milk ran out before cereal.
11. Rejected! There is no more milk from now-empty milk carton. Miserably chomp through the rest of cereal.

Onto the fruit portion of our competition:

1. Eat like six plums. Why plums? You thought they were the best fruit-per-ounce value at Trader Joe’s.
2. You don’t like plums very much.

Finishing off with toast:

1. Still hungry. Let’s try toast.
2. Pull out week-old bread from plastic bag.
3. Cut out as many moldy parts as you can find. Pray you found them all.
4. Throw em into toaster. The heat should neutralize the mold, right?
5. Spread jam with dirty knife in the dish rack.
6. Eat. Remind yourself to thank the wonderful souls who invented toast.
7. Clean up the dang mess you made in the toaster and all over your table.

I want cereal again. But there is no more milk.

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